


The terrible realization of what an oyster is

by birbteef



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ancient Rome, Eating, Gen, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 15:22:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birbteef/pseuds/birbteef
Summary: Crowley had never actually had an oyster before, and he certainly wouldn't have one again.





	The terrible realization of what an oyster is

**Author's Note:**

> Crowley has a bad time.

Truly, he thought, truly Aziraphale was trying to kill him. 

The angel had gone on at length about the oysters. Oh, they were delectable. You simply must try them. You've never had anything like it.

Crowley probably hadn't had anything like it because Crowley as a matter of fact didn't really even like eating. Almost every time he caught up with the angel it involved food somehow and he just didn't understand it. Sure, the actual idea of eating was...fine, he supposed. But the chewing? And worse the swallowing? No. He was finally only coming around to the idea of drinking now that alcohol wasn't just rotten grain water. 

Aziraphale had embraced it all with open arms. Food and drink and all they entailed. Love the creations of God's creations after all. 

But this? This oyster was going to kill him. 

He watched as Aziraphale picked up one of the shells and slid the contents of it into his mouth. He chewed for a short time and then simply swallowed it like it wasn't just a gelatinous monster. 

Crowley stared at the little thing set in front of him and wished to Satan* he could just discorporate on the spot rather than eat this thing. 

(*Upon reading the request nearly a month later the devil would just laugh and make sure crowley's back itched uncomfortably for a couple of hours)

Crowley could tell from just looking at it that he was going to have a bad time. So maybe he didn't know what an oyster even was when Aziraphale told him he needed to try it. Maybe this was all a misunderstanding and they weren't actually supposed to be eaten this way at all.

He watched as Aziraphale sucked another one down with a nauseating noise. How this genuinely didn't count as a two for one combo of gluttony and wrath Crowley had no idea. 

He picked up the shell and held it to his lips, looking to the angel for guidance. Aziraphale simply nodded and Crowley tipped the shell back, letting it slide into his mouth just as he had seen Aziraphale do. 

No. Somehow it was actually worse than he'd imagined it. It was like holding a mouthful of cold snot he couldn't do anything with. Aziraphale was going off about how it was neat that you can just eat their whole bodies right in one go. Crowley thought that was just oddly cruel.

For a long and terrible moment all he could do was hold it in his mouth. It tasted of dirty water and phlegm. He felt his face start to heat up and his ears turn red as he began to struggle with it. He tipped his head back and wished impossibly that it would just maybe slide down his throat and he wouldn't have to think about swallowing it. 

It took him far too long to remember he needed to chew. Yet somehow, impossibly, it actually got worse. A Sandy grit struck a note between his teeth as something in the slime popped and Crowley found himself actually gagging before he had to unceremoniously* spit it back out onto his plate. 

(*And rudely)

Miraculously none of the patrons or chef would notice the half chewed spitup but Aziraphale definitely did. Crowley had grown bright red along his cheeks and ears. The back of his neck sported a similar color from his extreme discomfort. 

Aziraphale looked extremely put off by the whole thing and sat back in his chair with a huff. Crowley just stared at him in horror. This angel willingly ate something like this and liked it so much he thought he ought to tell Crowley to eat it. 

Aziraphale bid him a good day and picked up his plate to move to another table. Crowley did not blame him. 

He pushed his plate away from himself and threw some amount of miracles coins onto the counter. He didn't know if it was enough but it was something.

Their next encounter would not involve shellfish.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I just hate oysters.


End file.
